What a year.
Only a handful of people know details about my life like this, as I am a very private person (Scorpio through and through). But this past year I have relied on blogs and posts to validate my decisions, to inspire me to continue to trust myself - so if this post speaks to even just one person it will be worth opening up.
I worked a 9-5 for almost 15 years, and 6 years ago I started this business. The first few years it was fun and profitable to have a little side hustle. As I challenged myself to grow my side business, I was always challenging myself at work - applying for different positions, learning new portfolios. About 2 years ago it started to weigh on me - sometimes going to bed at 1 am after working on the business all night and then waking up at 6 am to get ready for work, my mind never stopping, add in 2 kids and a husband that works A LOT and I was on course to a nervous breakdown. My husband would come home some nights at 10 pm and I would be working away, tears streaming down my face - the only outlet I would allow myself (again, such a Scorpio). Heart palpitations started, and I felt like I was going through the motions of life, yet not fully enjoying anything. I felt like I was giving small bits of myself to my kids, my friends, my husband, my health & fitness, my work - but I never felt present. I needed to make changes in my life. The thought of closing my business seemed like the logical choice on paper, but in my heart and in my gut I knew it wasn’t the right one.
I filled my head with a million reasons why I couldn’t leave my 9-5 career. I put up walls because I was scared. Scared of regretting my decision in 1 year, in 5 years, when I was retirement age. I had worked hard to be where I was. Being financially stable on my own allowed me to keep a wall up so I didn’t feel like I had to rely on my husband for anything - I never had to be vulnerable. This was exactly where I wanted be when I was 21, so what was wrong with me? Why couldn’t I just be happy with that? I had to figure myself out and figure out what would make me happy.
Deep down inside I wanted MORE and LESS. More flexibility, more creativity in my life, more time with my family, a deeper relationship with my kids, more time to be there for my friends. Less stress, less anxiety and less busyness. I had to re-train my brain so I didn’t equate being busy with being successful. That having a 9-5 wasn’t for everyone, and at this moment, not for me. That being vulnerable in my marriage isn’t being weak. And so I took down all those walls, and I quit.
I have panicked, doubted myself a million times and shed WAY too many tears over my decision. I still struggle with how fast the day goes and get upset at myself if I don't produce enough during the day (working on this...) I am not void of stress, but I no longer feel on the verge of a nervous breakdown. This decision has changed my marriage, my relationship with my children, my business and myself. If you are at a crossroads - or at a point in your life when you know in your gut something has to change - trust in yourself.
I am not sure exactly where this will lead me, but for now I am riding the wave, and trusting that 2019 will be the year I will fully embrace these life changes and all the walls I took down in 2018.
I am a work in progress, but 2019, I am ready for you.